It's great to read about such a partnership and how you and your family are truly blessed, and can see it and have gratitude. I am going to bookmark this and one day send it to my 31-year old son who is in the first stages (we think) of being with his future wife. If that happens, it will be great for them to read this.
I wonder how this could play out for married people working typical 9-5 jobs out of the home. When most of your waking hours are spent with coworkers, it’s hard to imagine developing this sort of partnership. But there are myriad reasons why so many are forced into this position.
Yes, it's a great question and, alas, the hardest question in many ways. In our careerist cultural moment, there are structural issues at play which force marriage and parenting into more of a compromise than a partnership almost from the beginning (for instance, the increasing "necessity" for two-income households). One cannot always just "choose" one's way out of those structures. I think baby steps are possible though. As Wendell Berry puts it, sometimes we have to be willing to redefine what is "necessary" according to a new set of values. For him, this meant valuing "life at home" above "work outside the home." But again, that might seem like a luxury choice to many. Admittedly, some people are literally almost in the place of "slaves" within the marketplace, where they must take whatever crappy job they can get, just to get by. BUT...there are still a great number of people who have at least SOME choice in the kind of jobs they take. And within that spectrum of job-optimization, however wide it may be, I am suggesting that people consider other factors than simply income, personal passion, and career stability. I am suggesting that an integrated homelife (for the sake of marriage and kids--even BEFORE kids are in the picture) could and should be a part of that calculation.
I admit that Hannah and I are VERY privileged the have the economic stability and freedom we have with our small business. But one reason we have continued to have this freedom is because we have been careful to reject all forms of expansion that might threaten our current integration at home (sometimes even when it seemed like a no-brainer to do so). No matter what job you have, as long as you are not a complete slave in that context, you will be required to make risky decisions which may not be optimal for your "career" but are optimal for the sake of partnership in the household.
But also, I don't really know. It's a great question. I'm just beginning to help others explore this from different contexts, and it's always complicated. I really appreciate the question.
I appreciate this answer. Mary Harrington has written about "Big Romance" coming to prominence—in place of more practical, partnership-based views of marriage— simply because of the way the bulk of our economy is set up (as you recognize).
So I'm simply thankful for people such as yourself sharing stories of finding other ways of living more conducive to an integrated family life. These kinds of collaborative partnerships are a huge difference-maker for many folks! But even those of us who will never make such a dramatic change can take baby steps to think outside the box in other ways... for the sake of our marriages and children. Great piece, Ross!
(Also, I did think of that Mere Orthodoxy piece while reading this, about Illich and gender.... so I'm glad you footnoted it. haha)
Yeah I appreciate your balanced approach on it. As an immigrant to the US, I noticed a definite shift in the way work is viewed here. Not that this is exclusively an American issue, but the path you chose certainly feels more against the grain of life here than in other places.
Sadly, I don’t even think most people want this career/consumption lifestyle. We’re caught in an endless cycle of trying to keep up with everyone else, who are trying to keep up with us. I feel compassion for people, because many are just genuinely exhausted. Myself included.
Man, beautifully (and painfully) put. I agree completely. Most people don’t want the career/consumption rat race, but they also don’t have the slightest notion that another option is available. It may not be easy to forge that new way, but neither is it easy to build a lucrative career. We need new plausibility structures to help each other reorient our priorities.
Partnership over compromise is good, great even. For me though, the household as a center of industry, (or however you phrased it), is the truly revolutionary bit that you smuggled into your love story. Now to apply it…
Such a thoughtful essay. Thanks for writing it. The way you contrasted compromise and partnership was so insightful. My wife and I have had a number of long conversations about it. Like others, I am wondering what partnership looks like for those of us who don't work with our spouses or homeschool our kids. But I love the encouragement to move beyond the compromise mentality when possible.
Thanks man. Glad it stirred good conversation in the home. That was my central aim. I have no ready solutions for different shaped families. But as I’ve said in other comments, I think any “baby steps” anyone can take toward more partnership and less compromise is worth it. Since publishing this, Ive had lots of great conversations with folks in lots of different complex family situations, and that has only confirmed how complex modern marriage and parenting can be! But also it made me glad that others are thinking through it with me. Happy to talk more about it anytime.
These words are well worth reading. Thank you for your time and effort to write this thoughtful piece. What you say rings true to my soul. We have been married for 57 years.
57 years! Praise the Lord. Andrea, I am so honored to hear that this resonated with your own experience as well, especially considering you've been married almost three times as long as we have! God bless you.
This was the final needle on the haystack as it were. One too many fantastic articles, that I can no longer justify, not having a subscription to your newsletter.
Wow. Love this. It perfectly encapsulates the term integratarian. Not yet a word but let's make it so. Not complementarian and not egalitarian but integratarian.
Reminds me of “A Severe Mercy” (Sheldon Van Auken), in whose case death, rather than divorce, solved the problem of unity. But I fear this is first-world, self-indulgence and that we have a tendency to overthink things .
A love that requires so much sophistry for is survival is both too fragile and suspect. Marriage is work of art, as much grace and blessing as intent and “successful” ones are not meant to be paradigmatic for any other.
I really enjoyed this one.
It reminds me of what my Dad says at lots of the weddings he officiates: "Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100% and 100%".
Funnily enough, that's how a partnership works legally too - you are totally liable for the entity if you are a partner.
Yes! Well said, 100%, 100%. Also, though even more mysteriously, like our relationship with God.
It's great to read about such a partnership and how you and your family are truly blessed, and can see it and have gratitude. I am going to bookmark this and one day send it to my 31-year old son who is in the first stages (we think) of being with his future wife. If that happens, it will be great for them to read this.
That's a great idea!
I wonder how this could play out for married people working typical 9-5 jobs out of the home. When most of your waking hours are spent with coworkers, it’s hard to imagine developing this sort of partnership. But there are myriad reasons why so many are forced into this position.
Yes, it's a great question and, alas, the hardest question in many ways. In our careerist cultural moment, there are structural issues at play which force marriage and parenting into more of a compromise than a partnership almost from the beginning (for instance, the increasing "necessity" for two-income households). One cannot always just "choose" one's way out of those structures. I think baby steps are possible though. As Wendell Berry puts it, sometimes we have to be willing to redefine what is "necessary" according to a new set of values. For him, this meant valuing "life at home" above "work outside the home." But again, that might seem like a luxury choice to many. Admittedly, some people are literally almost in the place of "slaves" within the marketplace, where they must take whatever crappy job they can get, just to get by. BUT...there are still a great number of people who have at least SOME choice in the kind of jobs they take. And within that spectrum of job-optimization, however wide it may be, I am suggesting that people consider other factors than simply income, personal passion, and career stability. I am suggesting that an integrated homelife (for the sake of marriage and kids--even BEFORE kids are in the picture) could and should be a part of that calculation.
I admit that Hannah and I are VERY privileged the have the economic stability and freedom we have with our small business. But one reason we have continued to have this freedom is because we have been careful to reject all forms of expansion that might threaten our current integration at home (sometimes even when it seemed like a no-brainer to do so). No matter what job you have, as long as you are not a complete slave in that context, you will be required to make risky decisions which may not be optimal for your "career" but are optimal for the sake of partnership in the household.
But also, I don't really know. It's a great question. I'm just beginning to help others explore this from different contexts, and it's always complicated. I really appreciate the question.
I appreciate this answer. Mary Harrington has written about "Big Romance" coming to prominence—in place of more practical, partnership-based views of marriage— simply because of the way the bulk of our economy is set up (as you recognize).
So I'm simply thankful for people such as yourself sharing stories of finding other ways of living more conducive to an integrated family life. These kinds of collaborative partnerships are a huge difference-maker for many folks! But even those of us who will never make such a dramatic change can take baby steps to think outside the box in other ways... for the sake of our marriages and children. Great piece, Ross!
(Also, I did think of that Mere Orthodoxy piece while reading this, about Illich and gender.... so I'm glad you footnoted it. haha)
Thanks Haley. Means a lot.
Yeah I appreciate your balanced approach on it. As an immigrant to the US, I noticed a definite shift in the way work is viewed here. Not that this is exclusively an American issue, but the path you chose certainly feels more against the grain of life here than in other places.
Sadly, I don’t even think most people want this career/consumption lifestyle. We’re caught in an endless cycle of trying to keep up with everyone else, who are trying to keep up with us. I feel compassion for people, because many are just genuinely exhausted. Myself included.
Man, beautifully (and painfully) put. I agree completely. Most people don’t want the career/consumption rat race, but they also don’t have the slightest notion that another option is available. It may not be easy to forge that new way, but neither is it easy to build a lucrative career. We need new plausibility structures to help each other reorient our priorities.
Partnership over compromise is good, great even. For me though, the household as a center of industry, (or however you phrased it), is the truly revolutionary bit that you smuggled into your love story. Now to apply it…
Now to apply it, indeed. It is no small task! Thanks for reading and for this wonderful encouragement.
Such a thoughtful essay. Thanks for writing it. The way you contrasted compromise and partnership was so insightful. My wife and I have had a number of long conversations about it. Like others, I am wondering what partnership looks like for those of us who don't work with our spouses or homeschool our kids. But I love the encouragement to move beyond the compromise mentality when possible.
Thanks man. Glad it stirred good conversation in the home. That was my central aim. I have no ready solutions for different shaped families. But as I’ve said in other comments, I think any “baby steps” anyone can take toward more partnership and less compromise is worth it. Since publishing this, Ive had lots of great conversations with folks in lots of different complex family situations, and that has only confirmed how complex modern marriage and parenting can be! But also it made me glad that others are thinking through it with me. Happy to talk more about it anytime.
These words are well worth reading. Thank you for your time and effort to write this thoughtful piece. What you say rings true to my soul. We have been married for 57 years.
57 years! Praise the Lord. Andrea, I am so honored to hear that this resonated with your own experience as well, especially considering you've been married almost three times as long as we have! God bless you.
This was the final needle on the haystack as it were. One too many fantastic articles, that I can no longer justify, not having a subscription to your newsletter.
Aw thanks Sid. I just saw you started supporting financially. Really means a lot. Thanks also for your kind words.
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you for writing this!
Thank you so much!
Banger
Thanks brother.
Wow. Love this. It perfectly encapsulates the term integratarian. Not yet a word but let's make it so. Not complementarian and not egalitarian but integratarian.
That's a great word!
Yes I didn’t see that this was already out!!! Woohoo! Amazing stuff Ross.
And more readable thanks to you.
We need the plausibility structure! Thank you for sharing what the Lord has done!
Thank you Kim!
Outstanding, Ross. Outstanding.
Thank you!
Gosh I loved this. Thank you.
Aw thanks Nate! Means a lot.
Absolutely brilliant. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and profoundly.
Thank you, Corrie!
Reminds me of “A Severe Mercy” (Sheldon Van Auken), in whose case death, rather than divorce, solved the problem of unity. But I fear this is first-world, self-indulgence and that we have a tendency to overthink things .
A love that requires so much sophistry for is survival is both too fragile and suspect. Marriage is work of art, as much grace and blessing as intent and “successful” ones are not meant to be paradigmatic for any other.
You are certainly right that no two marriages are alike! Thanks for reading.