First Phone: A Rite of Passage

On Handling Serpents And Drinking Poison And Not Being Harmed

My daughter turned sixteen recently and will be driving soon. As a result, my wife and I decided it was time to allow her the use of a cell phone. She is our oldest of four, is quite mature, and has basically never complained about not having a phone, despite the fact that pretty much every one of her friends has had one for years. (For the record, she has had access to an iPad, which lives in the kitchen like a landline, by which she has been able to message her friends. So she hasn’t been completely in the dark ages. But this was a significant step.) In anticipation, my wife and I researched dumb phones and less fancy smartphones of all kinds. In the end, however, we decided we wanted her to have the same type of phone we have—an older iPhone model—with strategic constraints on how it would be used. Here’s how we went about it.

In his Preface to Paradise Lost, C. S. Lewis laments the increasing tendency in our modern culture to rid ourselves of anything that smells of ceremony.

The modern habit of doing ceremonial things unceremoniously is no proof of humility; rather it proves the offender’s inability to forget himself in the rite, and his readiness to spoil for everyone else the proper pleasure of ritual.

“Doing ceremonial things unceremoniously” is a powerfully succinct explanation for much of our modern malaise, both in the church and beyond. Now, I grant that it may seem strange to treat the giving of a cell phone (or a car) to a teenager as some kind of solemn ceremony or rite of passage. But for my wife and myself, it is exactly that. As someone who has been thinking and teaching and writing for years on the effects of new technologies on our souls, and as a father seeking meaningful rites of passage for my children, I wanted to make sure we were especially thoughtful about this moment with our oldest child.

So…I wrote a contract, a binding agreement for the three of us to enter into together. On the day she was to receive the phone, we made a little ceremony out of the whole thing with the presentation and signing of the contract as a central part of it. Again, this may seem a little intense, so I want to be clear about our intentions. This did not arise out of some distrust for our daughter. She has shown every sign of being trustworthy. It’s not her personality that requires this extra carefulness, but the relationship with the phone. My wife and I have had to shape and reshape our own relationships with our devices, introducing new boundaries here and there, for similar reasons. Like many adults, when we first started using a smartphone, it did not come with a warning about healthy and unhealthy ways to use it. Probably no one even knew. It’s taken years of working it out on our own. But we wanted our daughter’s relationship with it to start on a different foot.

For the record, I had no intention of sharing this more broadly (honestly, it feels a bit…personal), but after sharing it with our daughter, my wife and I agreed it might be of some help to others. I do not share it as advice. (What do we know? This is our first teenager!) Perhaps we will do it differently in the future. Every child is different. But at the very least, you can use it to compare notes…

Our Family Phone Contract

Preamble

This agreement is between Ila Byrd, her mother and father, and her family and community on February 15, 2025. It is for the purpose of receiving and using an iPhone responsibly, sustainably, and faithfully, not only for your own good, but for the good of your neighbors.

Obviously, many teenagers and adults you know use smartphones casually. Even your mother and father have been tempted to do this. But over time, we have learned and continue to learn just how much we have underestimated the power of these devices to alter our relationship with God, with others, and with reality. The smartphone was built to be a tool with a certain suite of functions, but it has become much more—a kind of genie, which offers to grant your every wish “for free”—a constant flow of information, entertainment, communication and companionship (companionship not primarily with others but with itself). It offers itself as a portal to almost any world you can imagine, and, like a genie, it is powerful enough to give you what you imagine and more. But also, like the genie in many ancient stories, while it presents itself as your slave, it is not actually devoted to you or to your good. Much more often, the genie is a trickster, who offers you whatever you wish in order to trick you and make you a slave to it or to the things it offers you.

I know this sounds extreme, but it is precisely true. The power of a smartphone is a spiritual power. It is not merely a device. It is its own liturgical system, which promises to shape and reshape your physical and spiritual patterns to its own ends. It is also a portal at your fingertips, 24 hours a day, to the spiritual wilderness of the internet, the home to any number of dangerous principalities and powers. One smartphone carries within itself the potential spiritual power of a billion Ouija boards.

Why, then, would any adult allow their teenaged child access to such a device? It’s a valid question. I cannot answer for others. But the answer for us is: we are Christians. While it may be tempting, even understandable, to cower in the corner in the face of such overwhelming spiritual opposition, this is not our way. Through our baptism, we are the receivers of a profound inheritance of spiritual authority. Just as Christ triumphed over the principalities and powers in his death and resurrection, we who are in him share in that victory. This is what Jesus said to his disciples after he was raised from the dead:

Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover. (Mark 16:15-18)

The promise of our Lord is that those who believe will cast out demons, speak in new languages, pick up serpents with their hands, and be able to drink deadly poisons and not be harmed. This is our tradition. This is our spiritual inheritance: not one of shrinking in fear in the face of our enemies, but one of authority and power. And yet this authority and ability does not come to us casually, as though, like Simon the Sorcerer expected, it could simply be bought and wielded like a cheap bag of tricks. No, Peter rebukes Simon in the harshest terms. Spiritual authority has always come through faith and holiness, through steadfast obedience to the seemingly backwards ways of God. For instance, how does one pick up a serpent with his hand? Conventional wisdom would say to pick it up by the head so it cannot bite you. But God instructs Moses to pick up the serpent by the tail. In this way, the snake becomes a powerful staff.

Likewise, your father and mother believe this is how Christians are meant to deal with powerful technologies: picking them up by the tail, handling them in almost the exact opposite way that the world around you handles them.¹ Then and only then can they truly become a staff in your hand. The hero of the genie story is not the one who casually uses the genie however he likes (that man is destined for slavery). Nor is it the man who refuses to encounter the genie at all. The hero of the genie story is the man who outsmarts the genie, who tricks the trickster. The hero uses the genie’s power in an unexpected way, and therefore wields its power without being owned by it. This is our heritage, going all the way back to Jacob with Laban, Joseph with his brothers, and Jesus on the cross—we are those who trick the trickster. The serpents of money, sex, and power continue to rule over those who do not grab them by the tail. But those who do find a completely different use for them. They end up wielding them for the good of others. “They will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” Our role, in this world of chaotic powers, is not merely to survive unscathed, but to become a healing hand for all those who suffer. This is your calling and your destiny, Ila, and we believe you will fulfill it (you already are!), despite the traps and snares which the enemy may lay before you. We believe in you and we are with you.

–- Mom and Dad

Terms

We present this phone to you as a tool. It is not exactly your phone, but a tool of our family, which you have been given for the furthering of our family’s calling in the world. It is meant to be used carefully, not casually, within the constraints which we agree upon. These are those constraints:

Particular Uses: Your use of the phone is to be limited to the following…

• Phone & Text

• Camera & Photos

• Maps

• Spotify & Audible (approved content only)

• Weather & Surfline

• Bank

• Utilities (Calendar, Calculator, Notes, Timer, Settings)

Conditional Uses:

• Safari Browser (only when absolutely needed)

• Movies on trips with siblings (only with permission—app to be deleted again afterward)

General Guidelines:

• Obviously, the phone should NEVER be used for any inappropriate purpose (this includes not only the consumption of inappropriate content, but also inappropriate or denigrating interactions with others)

• If you come across something or if someone sends you something inappropriate, you will bring it before your mother or father so we know (you will not be in trouble)

• No shopping

• No browsing or scrolling for entertainment purposes

• Nothing on the phone is secret or private, including passwords; never erase history; maintain transparency

Ritual Guidelines: Proactively shaping a healthy relationship with your device

• The phone will live in the Kitchen when you are home

• The phone can be used in any of the Family Rooms on the first floor (out in the open)

• The phone cannot be used until 8:00am each morning

• The phone must be “put to bed” at 9:30pm each night

• Use of phone outside the household will be subject to the same restrictions.

• Check-In: Mom and Dad will check in periodically regarding screen time, uses of phone, healthy patterns, etc.

Driving Rules: You will not use your phone for ANY purpose while operating a vehicle. The use of Maps or Music or Text should be handled while the car is in PARK. Exception: If you are able to answer a phone call safely while driving, you may.

Failure to comply with any of these rules or guidelines will result in loss of use of the phone. Again, we trust you and believe in you. It is an honor to give you this privilege. We know you will use it well.

Signature ________________________________ Date _________

Signature ________________________________ Date _________

Signature ________________________________ Date _________

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1. Thank you,

O.G. Rose

, for driving home this image for me.