I struggle with this every day, often on an hourly basis.
"Who is running the show here? What is the point of my existence? When will something just go... straight? And if it won't go straight, how do I get better outcomes more quickly more often?"
My agency seems non-existent pretty much all the time, and when I do seem to use it, it's mostly just a response to either someone/thing else or a response to me asking God what to do because I seem to have zero ability to make a decision.
And when I do make a decision, it's almost entirely selfish, rebellious, "because that's just what I felt like doing."
The last 24-hours have just been awful, if I'm being honest, and for some reason I'm typing about it in a comment box on Substack so that people I don't know will see it and hopefully have something insightful to say rather than messaging the handful of people that have some sort of relationship with me because maybe a stranger on the internet will understand this better than anyone I have personal contact with.
Andrew, thanks for being honest. You are not alone in what you're feeling. I have felt this very desperation before, which is why I write about it. I'm sorry for what a burden it must be to you right now, but God has a purpose for it. If you want to chat more, DM me.
Everyone who deconstructs and lands on belief in God asks this question; what, if anything, is salvageable from this abusive situation? I understand that in your framework that abuse is the car accident for which the causes stack. An abuser downplays the abuse in favour of all the other causes or blames the abused or any number of other causalities. The "incident" as it were, is that of the car crash/abuse and the hit and run colours the magnitude to which the physicality of what happened takes the centre focus.
In the interest of your framework, I'm the friend who blames technology and the state of western civilization; the "next time take the bus," friend. I believe that we, of course, could be authentic historical Christians, although nobody who knows Church history and loves Jesus and people should want this. Most days I think it's not even a good idea to become a Christian if you're not already so convinced. What good is authenticity if what we are authentically are authentic a**holes?
I think we get a good enough idea of what the Spirit sounds like in the scriptures through Jesus, as you say, but I think the mistake we make is the same mistake that the rich young ruler made. We want the safety, legitimacy and provision that organised religion give us for being "Authentic Christians". All that organised religion can be is a religious authentication app; a blue tick next to our names to virtue signal to others something significant about us. We can be truly authentic followers of Jesus and have a religious blue tick next to our names but one eventually comes at the cost of the other just as one cannot serve God and money. Either the organisation will drive us to compromise love, faith and hope in the gospel or the light of the gospel will drive out darkness until the organisation falls. This is the hangup that I and many people have.
If I am seeking authenticity, it is in that which we cannot possibly be inauthentic apart from its denial. I could make up a system of worship tomorrow with hoops joiners must pass through to be verifiably authentic members, but what use is that in seeking actual authenticity? How old a system of worship is doesn’t matter if it’s fundamentally made up. In this way, I see the appeal of individualism only so much as they are closer to their roots than most. There is no value in knowledge that has not been revealed to us. A library full of books we will never read does us no earthly good if we do not know the language. Individuals are practiced in the beginnings of knowledge as revelation in a way that most have long forgotten to their childhoods.
All of this to say that sacrifice of the individual parts for the illusion of unity is a mistake. Water is an illusion--a naturally occurring illusion where many parts appear (internally) as one substance (externally). This experiential truth can only be partly known to the naked eye. Water is a substance. Most take it on faith that water exists in many parts and that the substance we see in front of us is an illusion. This was recognised by individuals who necessarily laid eyes on water’s many parts. The truth is layered and made palpable for the individual who frankly doesn’t care about the many parts. But in forgetting the parts they die of cholera for drinking poisoned water. The individual is not to blame but the false heuristic of seeing water and forgetting the parts for the whole; that something deadly we cannot see could be present in something that appears whole and unblemished and is heuristically thought to be life giving. One can understand that a lack of trust would be applied to things as they appear, spawning an interest in the health of the parts rather than of the whole. An apparently healthy whole is not necessarily healthy in its parts. If the whole is entirely made up, even more so the case because the parts are already forgotten for the Frankenstein’s monster we have created. “It’s alive, but barely,” doesn’t quite have the same ring.
Your writing is extremely insightful Ross! God as the composer at the top of the stack resonates with my own thoughts surrounding one's own consciousness being a composer of sorts, actively trying to resolve disharmonies within the mind. It helps to be reminded that God is not merely the top of the fractal, but indwells within the framework in which the fractal is indeed made possible. I have lately been attempting to correct some 'wrong notes' within my inner world and I have a sense that this principle of 'Mixed Agency' will provide some much needed harmony.
So encouraging, JEM. I'm so glad it struck a chord with you, and yes, hope it helps in your own personal wrestling. It has definitely helped in mine as well.
Thank you, Ross, for this beautiful reconciliation between the internal and external. I think it’s a struggle for many of us and your words really cleared it up a lot for me.
I struggle with this every day, often on an hourly basis.
"Who is running the show here? What is the point of my existence? When will something just go... straight? And if it won't go straight, how do I get better outcomes more quickly more often?"
My agency seems non-existent pretty much all the time, and when I do seem to use it, it's mostly just a response to either someone/thing else or a response to me asking God what to do because I seem to have zero ability to make a decision.
And when I do make a decision, it's almost entirely selfish, rebellious, "because that's just what I felt like doing."
The last 24-hours have just been awful, if I'm being honest, and for some reason I'm typing about it in a comment box on Substack so that people I don't know will see it and hopefully have something insightful to say rather than messaging the handful of people that have some sort of relationship with me because maybe a stranger on the internet will understand this better than anyone I have personal contact with.
Anyway... thanks for writing this article.
Andrew, thanks for being honest. You are not alone in what you're feeling. I have felt this very desperation before, which is why I write about it. I'm sorry for what a burden it must be to you right now, but God has a purpose for it. If you want to chat more, DM me.
- Ross
Everyone who deconstructs and lands on belief in God asks this question; what, if anything, is salvageable from this abusive situation? I understand that in your framework that abuse is the car accident for which the causes stack. An abuser downplays the abuse in favour of all the other causes or blames the abused or any number of other causalities. The "incident" as it were, is that of the car crash/abuse and the hit and run colours the magnitude to which the physicality of what happened takes the centre focus.
In the interest of your framework, I'm the friend who blames technology and the state of western civilization; the "next time take the bus," friend. I believe that we, of course, could be authentic historical Christians, although nobody who knows Church history and loves Jesus and people should want this. Most days I think it's not even a good idea to become a Christian if you're not already so convinced. What good is authenticity if what we are authentically are authentic a**holes?
I think we get a good enough idea of what the Spirit sounds like in the scriptures through Jesus, as you say, but I think the mistake we make is the same mistake that the rich young ruler made. We want the safety, legitimacy and provision that organised religion give us for being "Authentic Christians". All that organised religion can be is a religious authentication app; a blue tick next to our names to virtue signal to others something significant about us. We can be truly authentic followers of Jesus and have a religious blue tick next to our names but one eventually comes at the cost of the other just as one cannot serve God and money. Either the organisation will drive us to compromise love, faith and hope in the gospel or the light of the gospel will drive out darkness until the organisation falls. This is the hangup that I and many people have.
If I am seeking authenticity, it is in that which we cannot possibly be inauthentic apart from its denial. I could make up a system of worship tomorrow with hoops joiners must pass through to be verifiably authentic members, but what use is that in seeking actual authenticity? How old a system of worship is doesn’t matter if it’s fundamentally made up. In this way, I see the appeal of individualism only so much as they are closer to their roots than most. There is no value in knowledge that has not been revealed to us. A library full of books we will never read does us no earthly good if we do not know the language. Individuals are practiced in the beginnings of knowledge as revelation in a way that most have long forgotten to their childhoods.
All of this to say that sacrifice of the individual parts for the illusion of unity is a mistake. Water is an illusion--a naturally occurring illusion where many parts appear (internally) as one substance (externally). This experiential truth can only be partly known to the naked eye. Water is a substance. Most take it on faith that water exists in many parts and that the substance we see in front of us is an illusion. This was recognised by individuals who necessarily laid eyes on water’s many parts. The truth is layered and made palpable for the individual who frankly doesn’t care about the many parts. But in forgetting the parts they die of cholera for drinking poisoned water. The individual is not to blame but the false heuristic of seeing water and forgetting the parts for the whole; that something deadly we cannot see could be present in something that appears whole and unblemished and is heuristically thought to be life giving. One can understand that a lack of trust would be applied to things as they appear, spawning an interest in the health of the parts rather than of the whole. An apparently healthy whole is not necessarily healthy in its parts. If the whole is entirely made up, even more so the case because the parts are already forgotten for the Frankenstein’s monster we have created. “It’s alive, but barely,” doesn’t quite have the same ring.
Your writing is extremely insightful Ross! God as the composer at the top of the stack resonates with my own thoughts surrounding one's own consciousness being a composer of sorts, actively trying to resolve disharmonies within the mind. It helps to be reminded that God is not merely the top of the fractal, but indwells within the framework in which the fractal is indeed made possible. I have lately been attempting to correct some 'wrong notes' within my inner world and I have a sense that this principle of 'Mixed Agency' will provide some much needed harmony.
So encouraging, JEM. I'm so glad it struck a chord with you, and yes, hope it helps in your own personal wrestling. It has definitely helped in mine as well.
Thank you, Ross, for this beautiful reconciliation between the internal and external. I think it’s a struggle for many of us and your words really cleared it up a lot for me.
Thank you John! Thanks for reading.
This post is full of insightful thoughts. Thanks for the labor.
Thanks for reading! Means a lot.
God works through his effects, his creation! I’m still not sure about the kick drum 😉
Haha you just need some good gospel music in your life. But also, generally, I’m tempted to agree.
Holy shit
?